Another blogger invited me to write a post of relationship advice and my favorite recipe. Here's what I wrote:
Communication is a key ingredient in all relationships, but particularly so in male-female romantic relationships. Most women have accepted that men and women think, interact and process information very differently, but we still tend to feel there is something wrong with it. I know I certainly have felt this way in the past. The newsflash is that different is just different.
So my first tip is this: accept that it is okay that we as women do things a certain way and men do things another. Tip number two is if he has done something that is driving you crazy, consider that he may have no idea why his behavior would drive you crazy or even that it has. Ask him why he is doing it and you may be surprised at his reasoning.
You know how we can talk to our girlfriend on the phone, dispense advice, direct child traffic and cook dinner at the same time? Ever notice how your husband or boyfriend can’t seem to watch football and listen to you vent at the same time? I know, it’s annoying but he isn’t less smart than you. No, there is a very different explanation for this.
Men are single-focused which makes them excellent hunters who can track an animal relentlessly for hours. While we have what’s called diffused awareness. This difference tends to make us great at multi-tasking. Tip number three is don’t ask him to pay attention to you and the football game. Agree upon a time when he is not doing something else so that you can gain his full attention.
Finally, if it is love you’re looking for then do not try to trade sex for it. Be yourself, be passionate, be confident and if he is Mr. Right you will find yourself basking in that delightful laser-like attention so characteristic of a single-focused man.
Soul2soul (A recipe for love)
2 Bags of Southern Mixed Greens (I buy them at Trader Joe’s)
1 large yellow onion
2 cloves of fresh garlic
1 red, yellow or orange bell pepper
1 pound of spicy chicken sausage (you may substitute andouille or chorizo)
1 quart of chicken broth
1 tablespoon of extra virgin olive oil (or substitute your favorite vegetable oil)
1 large non-stick skillet or wok
1 large saucepan
Chop onion & garlic finely, slice bell pepper into small strips, and heat olive oil in wok and Sautee the vegetable mix. Do not caramelize. Add in rinsed greens and cook until wilted (not fried or browned). Slice sausage and add greens and vegetables to the saucepan along with the chicken broth. Simmer mixture until greens are tender to taste. Serve on your best china with a lovely chilled Santa Margherita Pinot Grigot or Frances Coppolla Chardonnay. You may add brown or basmati rice and/or corn muffins. Bon apetit.
Showing posts with label RelationshipSense. Show all posts
Showing posts with label RelationshipSense. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Monday, November 10, 2008
No, Men Are Not Stupid!
Admit it, we’ve all been guilty of thinking that men are stupid on more than one occasion. But, the reality is that men are wonderful creatures who simply are different than women. Different is not right or wrong, value judgment only muddies the waters and disempowers everyone. Different is just different. We‘re wired differently and so we behave differently. Understanding and acceptance can help empower us to create harmonious relationships.
Both men and women certainly have characteristics commonly described as masculine and feminine. But, in general what motivates us is distinct. This terrain is vast, but for now let’s look at one of the source distinctions that differentiate men from women instinctively.
Imagine, for the sake of argument, that men are the hunters and that women are the gatherers. Let’s look at how men and women think, process information and communicate.
Hunters are typically single focused. Their objective is to produce a desired result, for instance, catching a buffalo or some other animal. Their focus is linear, aimed at producing result after result after result. Hunters are internally motivated, deciding on what to produce and then producing that result. These characteristics coalesce as the ability to track moving objects.
Contrastingly, Gatherers possess diffuse awareness, the ability to focus in multiple directions at once. Their objective is to complete many tasks in no particular order. Motivation is most often external, resulting in the experience of being drawn to everything in the environment which requires a response. These characteristics fuse into the ability to quickly scan a wide area and gather information.
Think about the last time you sent a man into a room to bring back an item that was in plain view yet surrounded by other things and he came back with the report that the item was not there. You followed him and of course, the item was right where you said it was. You concluded that he just didn’t look. And he didn’t look just to get on your nerves or alternatively, he was just too stupid and careless to see what was right in front of him.
Or what about the last time you tried to get a guy to focus on you while he was watching his favorite television show? You think he was watching the game and ignoring you. In reality, he is just watching the game. Ignoring you would be doing a second thing.
So, what’s the point? The point is that this is but one of the ways that we are different from men, but it is a key difference which causes many communication breakdowns. We naturally view things from our own perspective; everyone does. But in order to interact harmoniously, we have to step back and see things from another vantage point.
What male behavior can you view from another vantage point?
Your comments are always welcome. Email them to me at Chat (@) relationship-recruiters.com. I’ll write back as time permits.
Both men and women certainly have characteristics commonly described as masculine and feminine. But, in general what motivates us is distinct. This terrain is vast, but for now let’s look at one of the source distinctions that differentiate men from women instinctively.
Imagine, for the sake of argument, that men are the hunters and that women are the gatherers. Let’s look at how men and women think, process information and communicate.
Hunters are typically single focused. Their objective is to produce a desired result, for instance, catching a buffalo or some other animal. Their focus is linear, aimed at producing result after result after result. Hunters are internally motivated, deciding on what to produce and then producing that result. These characteristics coalesce as the ability to track moving objects.
Contrastingly, Gatherers possess diffuse awareness, the ability to focus in multiple directions at once. Their objective is to complete many tasks in no particular order. Motivation is most often external, resulting in the experience of being drawn to everything in the environment which requires a response. These characteristics fuse into the ability to quickly scan a wide area and gather information.
Think about the last time you sent a man into a room to bring back an item that was in plain view yet surrounded by other things and he came back with the report that the item was not there. You followed him and of course, the item was right where you said it was. You concluded that he just didn’t look. And he didn’t look just to get on your nerves or alternatively, he was just too stupid and careless to see what was right in front of him.
Or what about the last time you tried to get a guy to focus on you while he was watching his favorite television show? You think he was watching the game and ignoring you. In reality, he is just watching the game. Ignoring you would be doing a second thing.
So, what’s the point? The point is that this is but one of the ways that we are different from men, but it is a key difference which causes many communication breakdowns. We naturally view things from our own perspective; everyone does. But in order to interact harmoniously, we have to step back and see things from another vantage point.
What male behavior can you view from another vantage point?
Your comments are always welcome. Email them to me at Chat (@) relationship-recruiters.com. I’ll write back as time permits.
Love Blocks
What’s blocking your love? Something I frequently hear from my clients, single professional & executive women, is that there is a shortage of men. They say that there is a shortage of eligible men in their age group, income bracket, etcetera.
My response is that there is no shortage of men. Men are everywhere. There is a perception that there is a shortage of men because we typically repeat the same relationship behavior that we’ve perfected over the years. This type of habitual perspective clouds our vision, blocking our view of the many eligible men who don’t fit our love block pattern.
For example, let’s take Jane (who’s name has been changed to protect her privacy), a beautiful, single professional. She is intelligent, a prolific writer and excellent conversationalist. Jane is the mother of three who are now adults. She has been married and divorced twice.
When I began working with Jane she lamented the possibility of finding a guy who appreciated her and who would cherish her. Jane described her ideal match as being someone intelligent yet sexy, someone with whom she had chemistry, someone who enjoyed close family ties because she is very close with her children. Jane said she wanted a man who was financially secure, someone to take care of her in the traditional since.
Jane inevitably sabotaged the connection when introduced to men who met the vital criteria on her list: willing to take care of her, loved family, intelligent, financially secure. She would say there was no chemistry or that he looked liked Woody Allen. Possibly the guy was no Adonis, but the real reason for Jane’s inability to connect was buried far below the surface in herself.
Jane is the product of abusive parents: her father beat her and her mother did nothing to stop it. Jane’s love block is that she doesn’t feel worthy of her heart’s desire. She doesn’t feel worthy of the man she describes as her ideal. Therefore, when confronted by anyone who might fit the bill, Jane finds herself rejecting the man before he rejects her. Contrastingly, Jane attaches to unavailable, misogynistic men or men who are not interested in a long-term relationship. According to Jane there are no men…and especially no good men out there.
Jane is just one example of someone who is suffering from love blocks. Love blocks are really just boundaries that no longer serve a positive purpose in our lives.
Some examples of love blocks are poor self esteem, the feeling that you don’t deserve to be loved, shame/guilt, inability to let others get close to you emotionally/physically, unexplained/uncontrolled anger, and the inability to deal with your feelings appropriately.
Is something blocking your love? Examine your relationships across the board, not just your romantic ties, for the answer.
My response is that there is no shortage of men. Men are everywhere. There is a perception that there is a shortage of men because we typically repeat the same relationship behavior that we’ve perfected over the years. This type of habitual perspective clouds our vision, blocking our view of the many eligible men who don’t fit our love block pattern.
For example, let’s take Jane (who’s name has been changed to protect her privacy), a beautiful, single professional. She is intelligent, a prolific writer and excellent conversationalist. Jane is the mother of three who are now adults. She has been married and divorced twice.
When I began working with Jane she lamented the possibility of finding a guy who appreciated her and who would cherish her. Jane described her ideal match as being someone intelligent yet sexy, someone with whom she had chemistry, someone who enjoyed close family ties because she is very close with her children. Jane said she wanted a man who was financially secure, someone to take care of her in the traditional since.
Jane inevitably sabotaged the connection when introduced to men who met the vital criteria on her list: willing to take care of her, loved family, intelligent, financially secure. She would say there was no chemistry or that he looked liked Woody Allen. Possibly the guy was no Adonis, but the real reason for Jane’s inability to connect was buried far below the surface in herself.
Jane is the product of abusive parents: her father beat her and her mother did nothing to stop it. Jane’s love block is that she doesn’t feel worthy of her heart’s desire. She doesn’t feel worthy of the man she describes as her ideal. Therefore, when confronted by anyone who might fit the bill, Jane finds herself rejecting the man before he rejects her. Contrastingly, Jane attaches to unavailable, misogynistic men or men who are not interested in a long-term relationship. According to Jane there are no men…and especially no good men out there.
Jane is just one example of someone who is suffering from love blocks. Love blocks are really just boundaries that no longer serve a positive purpose in our lives.
Some examples of love blocks are poor self esteem, the feeling that you don’t deserve to be loved, shame/guilt, inability to let others get close to you emotionally/physically, unexplained/uncontrolled anger, and the inability to deal with your feelings appropriately.
Is something blocking your love? Examine your relationships across the board, not just your romantic ties, for the answer.
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